Taking Ownership of Bully Culture
If we don’t acknowledge our own participation, how can we expect our children not to be assholes?
Growing up, I was prime picking for bullies. I was overweight most of my childhood, had acne, wore glasses, and having come from a lower middle-class family, I didn’t always have the latest and greatest in clothing trends.
That all being said, I would be a liar if I didn’t say there were times in my young life where I was on the inside, and I was the one who would crack jokes about the “weird kid.”
Although I participated to some extent, it never changed the impact being bullied had on me and still has on me.
At 31 years old, I am often wondering what people think about me, if they like me, if they make fun of me, or if they think I’m annoying. It is usually at this moment I begin to think of those I was mean to or laughed at in my school years.
If I am still affected by how I was treated, how can I ignore the feelings of those I bullied and how they may still be affected by my actions?
Even though I know I’m a good, loyal, and funny person, just like I thought when I was growing up, it does not excuse the damage I may have done to someone else.
In a 2016 study by the National Center for Educational Statistics , 33% of students who reported being bullied at school indicated that they were bullied at least once or twice a month during the school year. One-third of students. And that is just reported cases. So how do we change that?
We can repress it, ignore it, join in on it, or acknowledge a lot of us were part of the problem.
It is this last idea where I truly think we can shift the epidemic of bullying culture. I mean, it’s always been there and most likely always will be, but if we ignore it, it will never change. If we can’t admit we had a part in it, how can we teach our children to be better than us?
There is one phrase I have had said to me and repeated in my own head when I doubt the validity of my own feelings.
Get over it.
Essentially, we all could follow this statement and move on (my idea of just repressing it), but how is that going to change the future of bullying?
By believing we should just get over it, we are effectively saying it is okay to be mean, to make fun of, to push, to terrorize those who we see as weaker than us. We are saying it’s normal and a part of growing up. Another form of “boys will be boys.”
Rather than make it someone else’s problem, admit your culpability. Own it and turn it into something positive.
Teach your children to stand up to bullying, even when they are the bully. Teach them to recognize their impact. Tell them that no one is perfect, including yourself. If they are the one being the bully, they don’t have to be. They can acknowledge and apologize.
The Power of an Apology
To be humble and admit wrong doing, to sincerely say you are sorry for how you treated someone, no matter how long ago, is priceless. It will break down walls.
It will not only give justification to what someone has felt over the years, it will also change how you treat others in the future.
This will be seen by your children: acts of kindness, even to acknowledge an act of hate.
You can do this through reflection and acknowledgement. Reflect on your past and who you may have hurt. Acknowledge those people and take ownership with an apology.
Now, I’m not saying that you should go through your Facebook friends and copy and paste a private message to every person you were ever a jerk to. That’s just going through the motions and not organic.
If you are ready to admit and take ownership of bad behavior, only you will truly know how to move forward from this article and reach out to those you hurt.
Until we learn to accept responsibility for the hurt we caused another person, we can’t truly begin to teach our children how treating one another sometimes doesn’t just affect them in that moment, but can affect them forever.
Wouldn’t you want their lasting impression to be of kindness and love?
